A body language expert, human behaviour analyst and coach writes about being a recovering people pleaser, a forgotten language, and the importance of changing perceptions.

1 You once wrote that you’ve grown from humble beginnings to where you are now.

I grew up poor, raised by a single mom who did her best. I was extremely shy and insecure, with very low self-esteem. I however always knew I was going to have a better life; I was determined. 

By the beginning of 2013 my life up to that point, as I would describe it was ideal. I had everything that I had planned and worked really hard for.  A steady marriage, two beautiful children. We had a thriving business and were in the process of starting up the next one together with our partners.  Everything was good!  By the end of 2013 my life as I had known it was over. Our business partners had pulled the rug from under our feet and our world was tumbling down in a spectacular fashion. By the end of 2015 it was all gone: our business, our money, and my 25-year marriage.

I hadn’t felt so insecure and unsafe in a very long time. At the age of 49 all the plans I had for my future had disappeared. It was an extremely surreal feeling. I had no idea what I was going to do next.

 As I was reeling from what had happened, it struck me how I never really saw this coming. How was it possible that I didn’t understand people? I always tried to be kind and friendly and mindful of others. I started searching on Google for something that could help me understand, but I couldn’t really find anything.

One day I was listening to a podcast by Lewis Howes, his guest was Vanessa Van Edwards, a body language expert and she ran a lab called the Science of People. Immediately I was fascinated. Here was someone who explained that there was a way to understand and communicate with others easily and effectively, and it was all backed up by solid scientific research. From that moment on I was hooked, I felt like I had come home. It finally all made sense.

I first started by doing all the online courses she had on offer. All the while knowing I couldn’t really afford these courses, as the money was gone. I did push on though. It was also at that time that I really, truly became honest with myself, I felt like I had escaped this prison and was seeing things for the first time.  

As I started learning and applying what I was learning, something strange was happening to me. I started feeling better and more confident, and the way people were reacting to me was also different. I realised that how we communicate and the nonverbal signals we send and receive are so important to all aspects of our lives. This was something nobody had ever really taught us at school, this was the people skill everybody needed. I had to teach and share this. 

So, Science of People offers a certification course twice a year, you become a certified body language trainer with access to the lab and all the new research. It was quite pricey but after a year of saving and with the love and support of my two kids I signed up for the 12-week certification course. I wanted to be better at sharing this with others. 

I am happy to say that was 7 years ago, and my life has never been more different. Today I am a certified body language and human behaviour analyst. I have my own business called The Art of People, and I absolutely love what I do. I have not stopped learning at all and never will. Through this work I have met some really amazing people who impact my life for the better constantly. I also get to help others achieve goals they never thought possible. 

I suppose the hardship I experienced was necessary for me to get to where I am today, and I am actually grateful for this. Today I am a coach and run fun workshops and courses teaching people how to have more confidence, how to build trust and communicate effectively. I help them change perceptions.

Listen to Tania highlighting non-verbal communication and secrets women should know.

2 You’ve referred to yourself as a recovering people pleaser …

Yes, I’m a recovering people-pleaser. 

Looking back on my life, I came to realise that I spent quite a large amount of my precious time trying to be perfect. Trying to be appreciated and liked by everyone else around me. Trying to fit in with different groups of people so that I could feel accepted and approved of. 

I can recall many situations when I did things I didn’t really want to do, to comfort or please others. I was a master of people-pleasing and, to be honest, it wasn’t always because I wanted to make everyone happy. 

The truth is that I wanted people to like me. I expected them to give me the things I wasn’t giving myself: love, care, and attention. People-pleasing is an unhealthy behaviour, a clear sign of low self-esteem. It is dis-empowering, inauthentic, and extremely time and energy-consuming. It will hurt you in the end. 

During my studies of body language and human behaviour I realised this was exactly what I had been doing my whole life. I knew I wanted to change and focused hard on the new tools I was learning to help me stop. It wasn’t easy and there are still days where I struggle but mostly, I have changed.  

Today I am a recovering people-pleaser and proud of myself.

3 Which people or fields of study have greatly influenced your life?

Personal development has always interested me. I’m always trying to be a better version of myself and today there are so many wonderful people who share their work with us and who we can learn from.

I would have to say the biggest field of study that has influenced my life the most, has been Vanessa Van Edwards, body language and the understanding of human behaviour.

I have learned things from amazing people who have written the books that have changed my life. Robert Greene - The Laws of Human Nature, Daniel Goleman - Emotional Intelligence, Martha Beck - The Way of Integrity, Dale Carnegie - How to Win Friends and Influence People, and Chase Hughes - The Six Minute Xray, just to name a few. It would take way to long to name everyone that has influenced my life.  

At present I’m learning about the field of Human Engineering, The Ellipses Manual by Chase Hughes. It’s literally changing how I experience the world. It’s not easy but so fascinating.

I do believe each person or book I encounter adds something of value to my life, even if it’s one line.

4 Tell us more about the relationship between the brain, body language, communication and well-being.

This is what I have come to understand about our brain, it is still the same brain we had during the caveman days. Sure, we have evolved and learnt new skills, but one of the key functions of the brain back then was to protect us and keep us safe, it is still doing that exact same function today. At an unconscious level our brain is constantly trying to protect us from harm and trying to keep us safe. Back in the caveman days before we had language, we relied on body language to communicate. So, body language is really our first language; our brain understands this language.

Today body language is still part of our repertoire, we have just forgotten how to use it. So much of our communication happens beyond our awareness, we make choices every day about when to listen, when to question and when to speak up. How we are perceived by others and how to build trust nonverbally. Body language is a huge pillar of communication and emotional intelligence and reconnecting with this skill gives people an advantage. Every time we meet face to face, we have the ability to change the world. 

We use our bodies, facial expressions, vocal tone and gestures to communicate. All of these communication tools send signals to the brain of the person we are communicating with, their brain is assessing us and deciding whether we are a friend or a foe. Do they like and trust us or do we seem dodgy? Understanding and being aware of this, and then using body language correctly during communication with others, can change the way people perceive us.    

When we communicate effectively, we also send signals to our own brain (who by the way is also trying to protect us all the while), and when we feel confident, competent and in charge of our communication style our brain calms down. It feels safe, it doesn’t feel it needs to protect us in that moment. That feeling is when we increase our own well-being.

5 You have two children – tell us a little about them. 

My two kids are the greatest blessing in my life. My son Ruan is 27 and my daughter Nadia is 25. I have always said raising a boy and a girl helped me understand how men and women worked. Both my children studied at Tuks.  Ruan’s first degree was a BCom Business Entrepreneurship and then he followed it up with a LLB, while Nadia went straight into her LLB. Today they are both practising attorneys.

I am so extremely proud of the young adults they have become, even though they also experienced the hardship that befell us in 2013 and had their own struggles through it. They have become stronger and wiser for it. It’s made them determined to live a good life. Today they are successful, and I love listening to their advice and constructive criticism. I believe this generation of adults can teach us so much and we should be willing to listen to them. They are also my biggest motivators and we are always encouraging each other to do better. 

Nadia is engaged to a very good man, who also happens to be an attorney. He is the love of my daughter’s life, and I am extremely grateful to him for loving her the way I do. We are in the throes of planning a wedding and their moving into their own place. It is exciting times for all of us. New adventures for the two of them. 

Ruan is in a new relationship with Alexis. They have known each other since High School but only recently started dating.  

My kids are happy and living good lives, that is all this mother’s heart could wish for.

6 Do you have any big dreams for the future?

I do. I want to continue teaching anyone who will listen about the value of communicating correctly and how it can change everything. I would love to open a People School where people from all walks of life can come and learn the people skills that they need to help enhance their well-being, their careers, and their lives.  

I’m also toying with the idea of writing a book about how nonverbal communication changed my life 360 degrees, and how I went about it. But still just toying with the idea. 

My biggest dream: I would love speak at the UN one day and tell people what a necessity it is for the world to learn the importance of effective communication and how it can increase our well-being and help humanity. I want to address parents’ preconceptions, and talk about the importance of communicating effectively with their little ones in order to build a healthy self-esteem in the child and help children feel worthy of their place in society. That way we can decrease narcissism and depression. I believe it must start with the young ones.

8 What do you think the world needs now?

I think the world needs face to face communication. We are suffering. According to a study by the World Health Organisation depression is on the rise, narcissism is on the rise, more people are having mental health issues. I think it is because we are missing the human-to-human interaction. As scientists explain, during interactions with others, we release all kinds of feel-good hormones, for example oxytocin during eye contact.

Technology is great and I love it, but it is also causing an epidemic of miscommunication in all areas of our lives. Nobody is making eye contact or releasing any of the other feel-good hormones that we get from in-person interactions anymore. People are comparing themselves and their lives to social media, where everything looks perfect, but it’s not real. During face-to-face communication we can increase our empathy levels and enhance feelings of being heard and valued when it is done correctly. 

In my opinion the world needs to relearn how to communicate effectively, our future and well-being depends on it. 

And finally, I believe there are no ordinary people, if given a chance everyone will have something amazing to offer.

ABOUT TANIA

Tania Steyn is a body language expert, human behaviour analyst and coach from Alberton. She offers talks, arbitration and courses on the power of body language, leadership, lie detection, negotiation, personal development, business, communication, relationships, the science of personalities, the science of persuasion, mastering people skills, the power of happiness and romance & dating body language. As a sideline, Tania works as a trauma counsellor. 

Contact details

Tel. 084 517 1933

Website: https://www.artofpeople.info/

Email address: Theartofpeople1@gmail.com

LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/tania-steyn

Photographs of Tania Steyn: supplied

Other images: Unsplash

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